this was written on august 22.
there's something so beautiful about staying up until morning. just being outside when i'm this tired, on my balcony, i really can't get it right with words. probably because i'm tired, probably because i don't fully understand nor really do i want to right this moment. but i don't know. it physically feels beautiful. the cold, bright morning air on my skin. maybe it's so beautiful because i'm so tired, i don't have the energy to resist so much, to question so much. i'm too tired to do anything but feel, and i love that. i love it. i always feel like i should bring music with me when i go out on my balcony, but no song, out of 6000+, will do the moment justice. i've tried. i've settled, but it never really properly got the moment right, you know? in these moments, i don't feel beautiful. i don't have any opinions about myself actually, except for how small i am. how big the world is, the sky, life. my biggest desire at this point in time is to be outside, not standing on my caged balcony. to lie down in the middle of a park on grass. to just see only the sky. to see how big and beautiful it really is. to put myself in the right place. that i'm not allowed to wallow in so much self-pity. not allowed to feel so sad and insure and ugly and needy all the time. i really want to feel these moments on my back. laying down because just standing up is making me even more tired. it kind of makes me wish i was a morning person. well, it's not that i'm not a morning person; i just hate waking up no matter what time of day. i think these are the moments i like myself most. because i think that i think beautifully. a little pretentious, but i think i'm okay with that. today i finally put in words my third goal in life: to genuinely feel beautiful. and moments like this, i feel it mentally and emotionally, beautiful. pretentious. but if feeling even a little bit beautiful means i have to feel a little bit pretentious, i'll take it because i'm going to take every moment i feel good about myself, as long as the moments exist.
